1
00:00:02,069 --> 00:00:04,937
? Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:08,039
? Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,108 --> 00:00:11,042
? Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,111 --> 00:00:13,545
? Those were the days
5
00:00:13,614 --> 00:00:17,116
? And you knew
where you were then
6
00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,352
? Girls were girls
and men were men
7
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,587
? Mister, we could use a man
8
00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,891
? Like Herbert Hoover again
9
00:00:25,959 --> 00:00:28,660
? Didn't need no welfare state
10
00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,563
? Everybody pulled his weight
11
00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:35,768
? Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
12
00:00:35,836 --> 00:00:41,573
? Those were the days ?
13
00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:49,074
-== [ www.OpenSubtitles.com ] ==-
14
00:00:53,286 --> 00:00:55,553
Archie. Yeah, Edith.
15
00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:59,758
Did you kill that
spider in the bathtub?
16
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:04,162
No, but he's gonna walk
funny the rest of his life.
17
00:01:08,468 --> 00:01:11,236
? Oh, Baby Face
18
00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:15,574
? You've got the
cutest little baby face
19
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:18,343
Look at that. Not a
wrinkle on the guy.
20
00:01:18,412 --> 00:01:21,012
? Nobody else can
ever take your place
21
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:23,014
? Oh, Baby Face
22
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,927
? I'll go... ?
Oh, no, Archie.
23
00:01:24,951 --> 00:01:28,286
You ain't gonna wear your
sweater to Gloria's house.
24
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:29,933
What are you talkin'
about? Why not?
25
00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:32,257
Well, this is
Thanksgivin' dinner.
26
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,225
You're gonna
wear your best suit.
27
00:01:34,294 --> 00:01:36,929
The turkey ain't gonna
know the difference, Edith.
28
00:01:36,997 --> 00:01:40,732
Archie... Edith, when I
get dressed, I am dressed.
29
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:43,034
Oh, no, you're gonna look...
30
00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:46,271
I don't believe
what's happenin' here.
31
00:01:47,074 --> 00:01:50,108
What are you doin'? Edith!
32
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:53,545
This is a new high in low.
33
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,715
You're wearing your
nice new dark blue suit.
34
00:01:56,784 --> 00:01:58,294
What do you mean
my dark blue suit?
35
00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:01,019
I'm goin' over there to
eat, not to get buried.
36
00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,054
Oh, please.
37
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,724
Aw, jeez, goin' over there,
38
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,572
gettin' dressed up just
to eat with the daughter.
39
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:11,916
Many's the time she ate with
us wearin' nothin' but a diaper.
40
00:02:13,200 --> 00:02:16,702
Well, it won't hurt you to
get dressed up once a year.
41
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,982
Oh, look, you're puttin'
a tie around me, too.
42
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:20,606
What do I need a tie for?
43
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,886
The only thing I ever see around
the Meathead's neck is a napkin.
44
00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,043
Oh, Archie,
45
00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:29,380
this is the first Thanksgivin'
dinner Gloria ever cooked,
46
00:02:29,449 --> 00:02:31,227
and it's very important
to her. I know. All right.
47
00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,517
All right, important...
48
00:02:32,586 --> 00:02:35,186
Get out of here, will
you? Get yourself dressed.
49
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:39,891
Oh, yeah. Archie, I can't decide
between these two dresses.
50
00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,160
Which one do you
think I should wear?
51
00:02:42,229 --> 00:02:44,307
Aw, jeez, Edith. Whichever.
52
00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:47,198
Maybe I should wear
my yellow and red dress.
53
00:02:47,267 --> 00:02:48,945
Yeah. Wear the yellow
and red one, Edith.
54
00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:52,704
Oh, but I ain't got no shoes to
go with the yellow and red one.
55
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,684
I'd kill the yellow
and red one, Edith.
56
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:58,376
Oh, I was hopin' you'd
pick the black and white one.
57
00:02:58,445 --> 00:03:01,913
All right, Edith. Goin' away, you
look like the back end of a zebra,
58
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,222
but wear it.
59
00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,451
Do you really like this dress?
60
00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,440
Yes, Edith, I really
like that dress.
61
00:03:08,488 --> 00:03:11,956
Oh, you ain't just sayin'
that to make me feel good?
62
00:03:12,026 --> 00:03:14,592
No, I wouldn't say nothin'
to make you feel good.
63
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:19,697
All right, I'll wear
this one. Swell.
64
00:03:19,766 --> 00:03:23,468
Oh, but if you really like
the red and yellow one... Aw!
65
00:03:23,536 --> 00:03:27,506
Oh, oh, uh, I could wear
my green shoes with it,
66
00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:31,409
because green goes with
red and yellow, don't it?
67
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,045
Yeah, if you want to
look like a traffic light.
68
00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,148
Help me decide.
69
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:38,450
Don't ask me!
70
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,397
I don't know
nothin' about colors.
71
00:03:40,421 --> 00:03:42,231
That ain't no business of mine.
72
00:03:42,255 --> 00:03:45,055
Oh, all right. What the hell do I
look like, an inferior decorator?
73
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,326
I'll wear the red
and yellow one.
74
00:03:48,395 --> 00:03:51,006
Uh, oh... But what
about my green shoes?
75
00:03:51,030 --> 00:03:53,810
Go barefoot in a
bathin' suit for all I care.
76
00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:56,245
The whole thing is ridiculous
gettin' dressed up to go over there.
77
00:03:56,269 --> 00:03:58,737
Who's gonna see me crossin'
the alley, a couple of cats?
78
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:05,910
Archie, it ain't easy for Gloria to cook
this dinner for us in her eighth month,
79
00:04:05,980 --> 00:04:09,025
and all that runnin' and shoppin'
and everythin'. Oh, all right. Yeah.
80
00:04:09,049 --> 00:04:14,219
And, Archie, this is her first
Thanksgiving in her own home.
81
00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:17,334
All right. All right. I'm gettin'
dressed up for you, ain't I?
82
00:04:17,358 --> 00:04:19,591
Yeah. You look so nice.
83
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:23,194
I just put the Aqua Velva
on. Don't go lickin' it off.
84
00:04:25,566 --> 00:04:28,467
Oh, Archie, you know what? What?
85
00:04:28,535 --> 00:04:31,569
I think I'll wear
my green dress,
86
00:04:31,638 --> 00:04:35,573
'cause the green shoes go
better with the green dress.
87
00:04:35,642 --> 00:04:38,477
Too much green makes
people throw up, you know.
88
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,415
Oh, I can't wear
this. It's all wrinkled.
89
00:04:43,484 --> 00:04:45,695
I got a great idea
for you, Edith. What?
90
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:48,431
Put a raisin in your
bellybutton and go as a cookie.
91
00:04:48,455 --> 00:04:49,787
Come on.
92
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:59,897
And then you fold the
clams into the sour cream.
93
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:05,623
But if you like a lot of clams,
94
00:05:05,672 --> 00:05:07,872
you could fold the clams...
95
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:10,842
The sour cream into the clams.
96
00:05:10,910 --> 00:05:12,254
I don't know why
I'm makin' this.
97
00:05:12,278 --> 00:05:14,846
My dog Buster doesn't
even like clam dip.
98
00:05:17,584 --> 00:05:18,883
And that's the truth.
99
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:28,292
Who is that? The
father of your baby.
100
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:29,894
Hey, George.
101
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,932
Hey, the baby kicked.
102
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,601
Yeah. Gee, I... I
wonder if I can hear him.
103
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,705
Oh, don't look, Edith.
104
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:43,375
Dad!
105
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,388
What the hell is he doin'?
106
00:05:45,412 --> 00:05:47,357
He's listening to the baby.
107
00:05:47,381 --> 00:05:50,682
What's the baby gonna
tell him at this age?
108
00:05:50,751 --> 00:05:55,152
When am I gonna see you doin'
somethin' that gives me a lift?
109
00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:56,755
Happy Thanksgiving.
110
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:58,543
Oh, hi, Ma. Happy Thanksgiving.
111
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:01,259
Now, this is some apple
and this is pumpkin.
112
00:06:01,327 --> 00:06:02,572
Oh, that's great. Oh, Ma.
113
00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:04,529
Hey, the two of
you look terrific.
114
00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,609
Gee, you didn't have to
get all dressed up, Archie.
115
00:06:06,633 --> 00:06:09,467
Yes, I did. She forced me.
116
00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,981
Why, you look handsome, Daddy.
117
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:16,040
All right. Here, for you. They
come back to us tomorrow.
118
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:19,043
Grandma Bunker's
silver candle stands.
119
00:06:19,112 --> 00:06:21,713
Because this is a
very special occasion.
120
00:06:21,782 --> 00:06:25,450
Oh, thanks, Ma. I promise
to take good care of 'em.
121
00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:27,563
Here, honey. Everybody
get out of my kitchen.
122
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:28,998
Dinner will be ready soon.
Yeah, yeah, well, let's go.
123
00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:30,254
Can I help you, Gloria?
124
00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,034
No, Ma, I got it
all under control.
125
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:33,770
- Oh, it smells so good.
- All right.
126
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:37,662
Oh, ain't this beautiful? Okay.
127
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,499
Yeah, we're having buffet.
128
00:06:40,567 --> 00:06:43,367
I thought we was having turkey.
129
00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:46,070
Hey, Arch, why don't you
try some of this clam dip?
130
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:48,339
Uh, no, no, no, I
better stick to jam.
131
00:06:48,374 --> 00:06:49,974
You got any of that?
132
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,976
Come on, Arch. Try
some of the cauliflower.
133
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,878
Cauliflower ain't cooked.
134
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,448
He's a goat.
135
00:06:56,516 --> 00:07:00,785
Wouldn't it be wonderful if the
baby got here by Christmas?
136
00:07:00,854 --> 00:07:02,665
Yeah. Hey, I'd like
to see him sooner.
137
00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:05,968
Hey, maybe you could spring
him early for good behavior, huh?
138
00:07:05,992 --> 00:07:07,926
Daddy, your cigar's
stinkin' up the house.
139
00:07:07,994 --> 00:07:09,104
Oh, come on.
140
00:07:09,128 --> 00:07:12,664
Oh, I can't wait to
take her to the zoo
141
00:07:12,732 --> 00:07:14,866
and put her on the pony ride.
142
00:07:14,935 --> 00:07:18,336
And maybe on Sundays
I could take her to church.
143
00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:21,006
Uh, well, you could
take him to the park, Ma.
144
00:07:21,074 --> 00:07:22,473
After church?
145
00:07:22,542 --> 00:07:24,353
Uh, no, no. Instead of.
146
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,777
Oh.
147
00:07:25,846 --> 00:07:27,645
What do you mean the park?
148
00:07:27,714 --> 00:07:30,548
Who is the kid gonna say prayers
in the park to, a water fountain?
149
00:07:32,219 --> 00:07:33,496
Why not? As far as I'm concerned
150
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:35,798
it makes as much sense
than any other kind of prayers.
151
00:07:35,822 --> 00:07:37,522
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute there.
152
00:07:37,591 --> 00:07:39,691
Just because you're
an atheist, you know,
153
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:42,961
don't mean that my grandchild's
got to be gypped out of his religion.
154
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:47,665
That's right. Mike, children ought
to go to church when they're little,
155
00:07:47,734 --> 00:07:48,933
'cause when they get older,
156
00:07:49,002 --> 00:07:51,903
they're havin' too
much fun to be religious.
157
00:07:56,609 --> 00:08:00,879
Ma, we've decided to try not
to influence our child on religion
158
00:08:00,948 --> 00:08:05,283
'cause, you know, first we wanna
let him make up his own mind.
159
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:10,454
Whoa, ho, ho, ho. Now, that's
where you are 100% wrong-o, little girl.
160
00:08:10,523 --> 00:08:14,292
The parents got to influence their
kids' minds, is when they're young.
161
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:17,295
Got to teach him to
learn the right things, see.
162
00:08:17,363 --> 00:08:20,966
To be scared of God,
to love the dear old USA,
163
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:24,402
to defend American shores
in all foreign countries.
164
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:28,885
Is there anything
else he should know?
165
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:30,942
Sure. There's a lot
of other little things.
166
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:32,343
To use his dukes right.
167
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,613
To walk fast through the
Puerto Rican neighborhood.
168
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,320
Arch, I think you're forgettin' to
teach him the most important thing.
169
00:08:42,388 --> 00:08:45,690
Yeah. What? To never
listen to his grandfather.
170
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:50,461
Why don't you go take a
high dive into the clam drip?
171
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,899
Now, now, little girl. Now, let
me, let me... Aw. Give me that.
172
00:08:53,967 --> 00:08:55,945
All right. Do-Do-Don't
flush it out over here.
173
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,347
All right. Easy on that.
174
00:08:57,371 --> 00:08:59,515
Now, h-h-how far
along are you now?
175
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,506
Eight months. All right.
176
00:09:01,574 --> 00:09:04,053
Now, how long you've been
livin' over here in the toilet house?
177
00:09:04,077 --> 00:09:06,644
Daddy! How long?
178
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,953
Six months. All right.
You've proved my point, see.
179
00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,261
The baby got started
over there in our house.
180
00:09:11,285 --> 00:09:13,296
That's a good God-fearin'
Protestant house,
181
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,354
so that makes him a
Christian, ipso fatso.
182
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,170
Suppose the kid were created in a
parking lot outside of McDonald's.
183
00:09:21,194 --> 00:09:23,894
What would that make him,
an ipso fatso hamburger?
184
00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,266
In a parking lot?
You dirty guy, you.
185
00:09:29,836 --> 00:09:31,569
Hey, as a matter of fact,
186
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:35,139
our baby was conceived in
Leo and Mariam's bungalow.
187
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,475
Hey, they're Jewish,
so according to Daddy,
188
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:40,244
we're gonna have to
send him to Hebrew school.
189
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,725
Come on. Yeah,
that's a great idea.
190
00:09:42,749 --> 00:09:47,385
Lots of famous people turned
Jewish. Elizabeth Taylor.
191
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:50,355
Oh, that dame would do
anything to drive the world crazy.
192
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,459
Sammy Davis.
193
00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:57,996
And he'd do anything for laughs.
194
00:09:58,065 --> 00:10:00,476
You just do what
I tell you, little girl.
195
00:10:00,500 --> 00:10:02,667
Daddy, it is up to
Michael and me,
196
00:10:02,735 --> 00:10:06,271
and we've decided to let our own child
make up his own mind about religion.
197
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,750
That's tellin' him, fat lady.
198
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:09,685
Thank you, honey. I
better go baste the turkey...
199
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,320
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Stay here.
200
00:10:11,344 --> 00:10:14,179
Oh, no, Gloria. I'll
baste the turkey.
201
00:10:14,247 --> 00:10:16,147
Uh, thanks, Ma.
202
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,260
Listen. Listen. I'm warning
youse two. You mend your ways,
203
00:10:18,284 --> 00:10:21,230
or one of these days you're gonna be
chased around by a lot of little red devils
204
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,565
with pitch forks who
wanna baste you.
205
00:10:23,589 --> 00:10:25,589
What is all this about
bein' afraid of God?
206
00:10:25,658 --> 00:10:28,426
I was taught in Sunday school
that God loves everybody.
207
00:10:28,495 --> 00:10:32,496
Oh, he does, unless you
rub him the wrong way.
208
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:35,399
You do that, he sends
down plagues after you,
209
00:10:35,468 --> 00:10:38,536
like he done with them ancient
Egyptian kings, the Ferryos.
210
00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:42,185
God has got one
hell of a temper.
211
00:10:42,209 --> 00:10:45,276
He could hit you with an earthquake
or one of them famous floods.
212
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:48,613
Yeah. That flood wiped
out a lot of innocent people.
213
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:51,360
And what about all those poor
animals that were drowned?
214
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:53,284
Hey, but not the fish.
215
00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:56,273
The fish was havin' a picnic. They
was eatin' Catholics for a change.
216
00:10:57,089 --> 00:10:59,390
Just tell me one thing,
just one thing, Arch?
217
00:10:59,459 --> 00:11:01,003
Is that what you
want for our child,
218
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:03,572
to worship a God who you
depict as cruel and merciless?
219
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,195
I wanna tell you
somethin', buddy,
220
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:08,165
that you better keep a
civilian tongue in your head
221
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:12,837
because the Lord can hear and he knows
what's goin' on every place, every time.
222
00:11:12,906 --> 00:11:15,150
Youse two got to show some
respect for Him. Get away from me.
223
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,585
Oh, wait, wait.
All right, all right.
224
00:11:16,609 --> 00:11:18,810
Assuming there is a
God, which I am not.
225
00:11:18,878 --> 00:11:20,177
Assuming there is.
226
00:11:20,246 --> 00:11:22,157
You say He is everywhere? Yes.
227
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,592
And He knows everything? Yes.
228
00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,536
Well, then, he would
know what was in my heart.
229
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,962
He knows you
don't believe in Him.
230
00:11:26,986 --> 00:11:28,853
No, but if I did
believe in Him, Archie,
231
00:11:28,922 --> 00:11:32,156
I'd believe in Him because... because
He's a... a loving and forgiving God.
232
00:11:32,224 --> 00:11:34,136
He won't forgive you for
bein' an atheist, buddy.
233
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:35,593
He would forgive me anything.
234
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,573
He wouldn't forgive you
for showin' him disrespect.
235
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:39,730
- Sure, he would.
- To you.
236
00:11:39,799 --> 00:11:42,967
He... He'd even
forgive me for doin' that.
237
00:11:43,035 --> 00:11:44,246
What, for goin'... To me?
238
00:11:44,270 --> 00:11:45,970
No, for going... To Him.
239
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,506
Wow!
240
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:52,276
Wow!
241
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:56,514
You better find a tailor who can
measure you for a lightin' rod, buddy.
242
00:11:56,583 --> 00:11:58,061
You know what he just said here.
243
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:00,451
He said it, Lord, not
me. Did you hear this?
244
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,587
You better watch your
step. God forgive you.
245
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:05,623
- Hey, Edith, come out here. Edith.
- Turkey's almost ready.
246
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:09,260
I've never seen a man
so low and depaved
247
00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:12,430
that he would go... To the Lord.
248
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:15,066
Arch, it doesn't
make any difference.
249
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,246
If I believed in God, I
wouldn't go... To God.
250
00:12:17,270 --> 00:12:19,915
You've done it again. But I don't
believe in Him so I went... To nobody.
251
00:12:19,939 --> 00:12:22,184
You've done it again. I'm
gettin' the hell out of here.
252
00:12:22,208 --> 00:12:25,242
Oh, Archie, you're
missing the point.
253
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,078
Daddy! Oh, no. Come
on, Edith, we're goin' home.
254
00:12:28,147 --> 00:12:29,647
We ain't had dinner yet.
255
00:12:29,716 --> 00:12:31,661
I ain't gonna have dinner.
I'm scared to eat in this house.
256
00:12:31,685 --> 00:12:33,329
You know what that
Meathead just done?
257
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:36,421
He give the Bronx cheer
to the Lord, so help me.
258
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,101
And he's gonna bring up our
grandson to do the same thing.
259
00:12:39,125 --> 00:12:41,503
Oh, Archie. Come on, Edith.
Come with me, and don't look back.
260
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:43,767
You'll be turned
into a pillow of salt.
261
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,032
We'll be back.
262
00:12:57,477 --> 00:13:00,545
Yeah. Yes, Ma.
263
00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:02,780
Sure. That sounds fair enough.
264
00:13:02,848 --> 00:13:06,217
Yeah. Would you please put
Daddy on the phone? Okay.
265
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,353
Michael, Daddy admits he
was wrong for running out of here
266
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,899
and he'll come back over here,
267
00:13:10,923 --> 00:13:14,258
if you'll apologize for
giving God the raspberry.
268
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:18,062
Gloria, I didn't give God the
raspberry. You saw what I did.
269
00:13:18,131 --> 00:13:20,397
Michael, please apologize.
270
00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,544
Gloria, Gloria,
please don't start that.
271
00:13:22,568 --> 00:13:24,335
You know I can't handle tears.
272
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:27,005
I'm pregnant and
I get upset easily,
273
00:13:27,073 --> 00:13:29,307
and you know how hard
I worked on that dinner.
274
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:32,210
Why should I apologize
to Archie when he's wrong?
275
00:13:34,347 --> 00:13:35,880
Gloria, what kind
of man would I be
276
00:13:35,949 --> 00:13:38,516
if I let your father tell us
how to raise our children?
277
00:13:40,586 --> 00:13:43,099
Who would... Who would...
Who would honor a man like that?
278
00:13:43,123 --> 00:13:45,356
I wouldn't, you wouldn't,
our child wouldn't.
279
00:13:52,866 --> 00:13:56,100
Arch, I apologize. You happy?
280
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:59,304
Yeah, thank you. See you
in a minute, Daddy. Bye.
281
00:14:05,644 --> 00:14:07,678
Thank you very much, Gloria.
282
00:14:07,747 --> 00:14:10,148
It's Thanksgiving and
you made me eat crow.
283
00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,884
Michael, honey. Please.
284
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:16,754
Try to get along with Daddy.
285
00:14:16,823 --> 00:14:18,322
How can I, Gloria?
286
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,859
The man's mind is a one-way
street leading to a dead-end.
287
00:14:21,928 --> 00:14:23,494
Just avoid arguments.
288
00:14:23,562 --> 00:14:25,129
Michael, you're very bright.
289
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,899
You know the three subjects
you should never discuss with him.
290
00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:32,436
Religion, politics
or anything else.
291
00:14:32,505 --> 00:14:36,241
All right, all right. I'll try to do my
best but I'm not promising anything.
292
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,615
Honey, I never told
you about this wonderful
293
00:14:38,639 --> 00:14:40,545
trick that Ma worked
out with Daddy.
294
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:43,615
Now, when they go out,
and he's losin' his temper,
295
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:48,086
she just warns him by givin' him a lovely,
little playful tug on his ear like that.
296
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:50,154
It's a wonder he
doesn't look like Dumbo.
297
00:14:51,023 --> 00:14:52,856
Sweetheart, it works.
298
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:55,459
So if I see that you're
gonna lose control tonight,
299
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:57,361
I'll just tug on your ear
300
00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,864
and that'll mean, "I love
you, sweetheart, but shut up."
301
00:15:02,234 --> 00:15:04,201
Here, they are.
Okay, I'll get it.
302
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:07,004
Why do I get the feeling I'm
gonna lose an ear tonight?
303
00:15:08,207 --> 00:15:10,107
Irene. How!
304
00:15:10,176 --> 00:15:13,344
Indians spend Thanksgiving
with pilgrims, bring firewater.
305
00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:15,557
Oh, you look terrific. - Irene.
306
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,281
Honey, look what she brought us.
307
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:19,561
Yeah, that's nice. Now we don't
have to drink the cheap stuff I bought.
308
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:22,553
Hey, the place is
really shaping up,
309
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:24,889
and so are you, little mother.
310
00:15:26,226 --> 00:15:28,726
Ma. Hi, Ma.
311
00:15:28,794 --> 00:15:31,628
Hi, Daddy, give
me that. Aw, jeez.
312
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:35,466
Oh, Irene, you look
beautiful. You like this?
313
00:15:35,534 --> 00:15:37,501
Archie, don't she look nice?
314
00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:40,104
Yeah, when is she
gonna read the tea leaves?
315
00:15:41,741 --> 00:15:43,474
Was that a compliment?
316
00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,543
Sure, it's Thanksgivin'.
317
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:47,578
Arch, Irene brought
us some nice wine.
318
00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:49,680
Yeah, I see that.
319
00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:53,029
But to this house, I could've wished
you'd have brung some Christian Brothers.
320
00:15:53,586 --> 00:15:55,552
Archie.
321
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,023
No, no, no, no,
religious offensing thing.
322
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:00,725
Ta-da.
323
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:02,226
Oh. Oh, hey.
324
00:16:02,294 --> 00:16:03,939
Everybody serve yourself.
- Let's go.
325
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:05,930
Oh, boy, that looks sensational.
326
00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:08,533
I'm gonna have a leg.
Anybody else want a leg?
327
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:12,169
No legs for me. You can never
tell where a bird's been walking.
328
00:16:14,073 --> 00:16:16,819
I'm starved. Honey, don't
forget the sweet candied yams.
329
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,287
Give me some of them yams.
330
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,889
Yeah, Daddy, I got mashed
potatoes there for you.
331
00:16:19,913 --> 00:16:22,057
You're in my way there.
I'm trying to get the yams.
332
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,326
Honey, make sure you get some
dressing. Yeah, give me some dressing.
333
00:16:24,350 --> 00:16:26,862
Oh, it's beautiful. Daddy, I've made
your favorite baby peas with onions.
334
00:16:26,886 --> 00:16:30,054
I'm staying there. Have you got
any cranberry sauce, little girl?
335
00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:33,124
Oh, yeah, Daddy.
Look, I made it myself.
336
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:36,727
Oh, ain't you got none of the
real kind that slides out of the can?
337
00:16:38,932 --> 00:16:40,298
Try it.
338
00:16:40,366 --> 00:16:42,566
I'll have it later
with my ice cream.
339
00:16:42,635 --> 00:16:45,014
There we go. Give me
some more of this turkey here.
340
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,939
Oh, look at this. He's
a human derrick, here.
341
00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,352
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
342
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:55,446
Uh... Very funny,
Arch, human derrick.
343
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,014
He's a liar.
344
00:16:57,083 --> 00:16:59,016
Hey, don't forget,
everybody, we got wine here.
345
00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:01,219
Here, let me pour
the wine, Irene.
346
00:17:01,287 --> 00:17:03,420
All right, where do we go now?
347
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:05,989
Hey, Irene, why don't
you sit over here?
348
00:17:06,058 --> 00:17:07,658
Come over here.
349
00:17:07,726 --> 00:17:09,404
Nice. Hey, here.
350
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:12,163
Arch, uh, that's my
place over there.
351
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:15,431
Well, take the plate over
there. What's the difference?
352
00:17:15,468 --> 00:17:17,868
Hey, Irene, I always
wanted to ask you.
353
00:17:17,936 --> 00:17:20,604
How long do youse Catholics
got to count your beads
354
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:23,107
to find out how many youse got?
355
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:25,143
The beads help us pray, Archie.
356
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,344
Yeah. What do you pray about?
357
00:17:27,413 --> 00:17:28,612
Bigots.
358
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:38,522
Is that a little shot?
359
00:17:38,591 --> 00:17:41,192
Sure, it's Thanksgiving.
360
00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:42,760
Gloria, let me help you down.
361
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:45,329
Thank you. One, two,
three. Ready. One.
362
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,697
There we go.
363
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:48,166
All right, everybody, let's eat.
364
00:17:48,234 --> 00:17:50,312
Yeah. Hey. Wait, wait, wait.
365
00:17:50,336 --> 00:17:52,514
Wait a minute. Wait
a minute. Hold...
366
00:17:52,538 --> 00:17:54,739
Hey, hey, hey, hold it here.
367
00:17:54,807 --> 00:17:57,652
You ain't gonna eat nothin'
here without sayin' the grace first.
368
00:17:57,676 --> 00:17:59,277
Grace? Wait just a...
369
00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:02,412
Wait for what, there...
What are you doin'?
370
00:18:05,417 --> 00:18:07,663
There ain't nothin' wrong
with sayin' grace there.
371
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:10,487
It ain't particularly religious.
Even an atheist can say grace.
372
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:15,192
It's just thankin', uh, Mother Nature
whose first name happens to be Grace.
373
00:18:17,263 --> 00:18:19,830
Grace Nature?
374
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:21,732
You got it there, buddy.
375
00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:24,468
Archie, maybe we can
skip grace, tonight, huh?
376
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:27,337
Yeah, we've been
skippin' it all year.
377
00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:30,674
You never say it at home.
378
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:34,378
All right, all right, all right,
then. The hell with grace.
379
00:18:34,447 --> 00:18:38,181
Wait. Wait a minute. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute now.
380
00:18:38,250 --> 00:18:41,218
All right, even so,
381
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:43,398
gonna have a little
quotation from the Bible here.
382
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,834
Oh, God. Oh, Daddy,
dinner's gonna get cold.
383
00:18:45,858 --> 00:18:48,926
Don't worry, little girl. The
Lord will keep it hot for you.
384
00:18:48,994 --> 00:18:52,396
Now, this is from
my New Testament.
385
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:56,200
You hear that? New. That means
that everything in here is good today.
386
00:18:56,269 --> 00:18:59,070
Cut that out, will you?
387
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:02,806
It's my lucky Bible here
in the World War. WW II.
388
00:19:02,875 --> 00:19:04,986
You see, that dent
there in the cover,
389
00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:08,112
that's where it was hit by
a hunk of crowd shrapnel.
390
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,528
I wouldn't be sittin'
here today if I hadn't
391
00:19:10,552 --> 00:19:12,816
been wearin' that
Bible in my back pocket.
392
00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:19,597
And that tells us
where your religion is.
393
00:19:19,692 --> 00:19:20,958
Ow!
394
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:24,862
He saw me up there. Now,
395
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:29,267
this little quotation fits certain
people sittin' at this table here tonight.
396
00:19:30,236 --> 00:19:34,471
Romans 14, two dots 23.
397
00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:44,215
"And he that doubteth
is damned if he eat."
398
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,253
Wow! And the text for
this evening's service is
399
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:52,790
let's all pray that our host
Mike Stivic goes to hell.
400
00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,425
You said that
better than the Bible.
401
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:57,205
Do you know that hurts me?
402
00:19:57,229 --> 00:20:01,465
How do you like that, if I
do that to you a little bit?
403
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,178
Now here's the other quotation.
404
00:20:03,202 --> 00:20:04,568
Oh, Daddy, come on.
405
00:20:04,637 --> 00:20:06,648
This is Thanksgiving
dinner, not a revival meeting.
406
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:08,406
What have you
been told, little girl?
407
00:20:08,474 --> 00:20:11,442
My grandchild is layin'
over there inside you
408
00:20:11,510 --> 00:20:16,080
with his little ears
pressed to the walls there.
409
00:20:16,149 --> 00:20:19,450
And he is going to hear the
word of God on Thanksgivin'
410
00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:21,463
whether that
Meathead likes it or not.
411
00:20:21,487 --> 00:20:23,654
Well, I don't like
it. No, no, no, no.
412
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,657
You can pull my ear till it
falls off. That's it, I've had it.
413
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:29,192
Now, this is my house,
it's gonna be my child,
414
00:20:29,261 --> 00:20:31,862
and no one is gonna force his
religious beliefs on this family.
415
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:33,776
Oh, sit down in your
chair and shut up.
416
00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,566
Yeah, and that's another thing.
417
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,002
I've been waitin' five
years to tell you this.
418
00:20:38,071 --> 00:20:39,470
Get out of my chair.
419
00:20:51,350 --> 00:20:54,196
I'll not only get out of your
chair, I'll get out of your house.
420
00:20:54,220 --> 00:20:55,397
Good! Goodbye.
421
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:56,731
Yeah, Mike, so long.
422
00:20:56,755 --> 00:20:58,199
Daddy! ARCHIE: I
don't have to stay here.
423
00:20:58,223 --> 00:20:59,690
Daddy, please.
424
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:03,560
For us. Stay. Come on.
425
00:21:03,629 --> 00:21:04,795
Please, sit down.
426
00:21:04,863 --> 00:21:06,608
Well, where am I
supposed to sit now?
427
00:21:06,632 --> 00:21:09,733
Well, you can sit next to
me, your little sweetheart.
428
00:21:12,704 --> 00:21:15,005
Now. There, see?
429
00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:17,774
I never sat at this end
of the table my whole life.
430
00:21:18,877 --> 00:21:20,377
Your knife, dear.
431
00:21:23,916 --> 00:21:27,684
Stupidest thing I've ever seen.
432
00:21:27,753 --> 00:21:31,788
A grown man hoggin'
one chair for himself.
433
00:21:34,093 --> 00:21:37,561
It's just we don't want you
forcin' religion on us tonight.
434
00:21:37,629 --> 00:21:40,864
Listen, nobody's
forcin' religion on you.
435
00:21:40,933 --> 00:21:45,169
We're all just calmly tryin' to talk
a little sense into this guy here.
436
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:47,983
Wait. Wait a second, wait a
second. We? Who... Who's we?
437
00:21:48,007 --> 00:21:51,374
All of us four God-fearers
here exceptin' you.
438
00:21:51,443 --> 00:21:54,611
We don't agree that the child
should be brought up with no religion.
439
00:21:54,680 --> 00:21:56,758
Well, why don't we just
take a little vote on that?
440
00:21:56,782 --> 00:21:59,950
I say that a parent has the right to
raise his child any way he pleases.
441
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:02,931
And if we wanna raise our child to
believe whatever he wants to believe,
442
00:22:02,955 --> 00:22:04,388
that's our business.
443
00:22:04,456 --> 00:22:05,956
Now, who's with me on that?
444
00:22:06,025 --> 00:22:09,426
Nobody's with you.
Everybody's ashamed of you.
445
00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:12,429
Who's with me on that?
Let me see some hands.
446
00:22:16,969 --> 00:22:19,069
Do I see a hand goin' up there?
447
00:22:22,774 --> 00:22:25,542
I can't believe what I'm seein'.
448
00:22:32,618 --> 00:22:35,219
Okay. Do whatever youse want.
449
00:22:35,287 --> 00:22:37,199
You wanna raise him
an atheist, go ahead.
450
00:22:37,223 --> 00:22:39,390
Raise him a Luferan if you want.
451
00:22:39,459 --> 00:22:42,259
Raise him a Norman
with seven wives.
452
00:22:42,328 --> 00:22:45,229
A Holy Roller, a
Seventh-Day Adventurer.
453
00:22:46,799 --> 00:22:48,532
Anything you want.
454
00:22:48,601 --> 00:22:51,045
I don't give a damn 'cause
I'm gettin' the hell out of here.
455
00:22:51,069 --> 00:22:53,971
Daddy! And I'm
goin' out that way.
456
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:59,242
I wouldn't be seen leavin' the
front door of this den of inquisitry.
457
00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:01,289
Oh, Archie. No, no,
Edith, it's too late.
458
00:23:01,313 --> 00:23:02,891
Too late. Oh, Archie, Archie.
459
00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,292
I don't care. No, Edith.
Archie, please don't leave.
460
00:23:04,316 --> 00:23:07,251
Archie, the baby's
gonna be all right
461
00:23:07,319 --> 00:23:09,887
'cause he's gonna
grow up with a lot of love.
462
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:11,822
Oh, and no religion, huh?
463
00:23:11,890 --> 00:23:13,424
We don't know that.
464
00:23:13,493 --> 00:23:17,661
Mike just said they was gonna
let him make up his own mind.
465
00:23:17,730 --> 00:23:19,896
And whatever he decides,
466
00:23:19,965 --> 00:23:23,267
he's still gonna be
one of God's children.
467
00:23:23,336 --> 00:23:27,204
Archie, it ain't in our hands.
468
00:23:31,811 --> 00:23:33,977
Come here. Come here.
469
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:38,682
Yeah, come to think of it,
470
00:23:38,750 --> 00:23:41,552
why spoil our little girl's
Thanksgiving dinner,
471
00:23:41,620 --> 00:23:44,421
not to mention
my own, over this?
472
00:23:44,490 --> 00:23:45,667
Oh. Yeah.
473
00:23:45,691 --> 00:23:47,769
'Cause we'll be takin'
our little grandson
474
00:23:47,793 --> 00:23:50,660
to the parks every Sunday,
put him on the swing.
475
00:23:50,729 --> 00:23:53,430
That'll be nice. Yeah.
476
00:23:53,499 --> 00:23:55,739
Only, he ain't
goin' on no swing.
477
00:23:56,235 --> 00:23:58,802
No? Where will he go?
478
00:23:58,871 --> 00:24:00,437
He will go to church.
479
00:24:01,841 --> 00:24:03,441
Oh, no.
480
00:24:03,509 --> 00:24:07,410
That would be cheatin'
on Mike and Gloria.
481
00:24:07,479 --> 00:24:08,912
I don't care.
482
00:24:10,716 --> 00:24:13,283
We're gonna raise that
grandson of ours a Christian
483
00:24:13,352 --> 00:24:16,086
if we gotta break every
Commandment to do it!
484
00:24:20,292 --> 00:24:22,192
Okay, okay.
485
00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:26,396
Youse can go back to enjoyin' your
dinner now because here I am again.
486
00:24:28,134 --> 00:24:30,534
What's the matter with you,
Meathead? Go ahead and eat.
487
00:24:30,603 --> 00:24:33,537
There, take your fork and
eat. Don't worry about me.
488
00:24:33,606 --> 00:24:36,640
You win, buddy, you win.
489
00:25:04,436 --> 00:25:06,548
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
490
00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:08,572
before a live audience.
491
00:25:09,305 --> 00:26:09,622
Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/75qk6
Help other users to choose the best subtitles
492
00:26:09,672 --> 00:26:14,222
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0